Verbal Vomit

And there’s more good tax news on the horizon…

2011-02-02T15:52:00.001-08:00

That’s sarcasm by the way.

A report issued this week by the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS), which is an independent bunch of tax experts who examine tax all day, has confirmed that 2011 is not going to be a good year if you wanted to pay less tax.

The tax and benefit changes due in April 2011 equate to a net loss (and Treasury gain) of £5.4 billion in 2011–12 which is the equivalent of £200 per household. Including yours. What’s worse, this is in addition to the effect of the VAT, fuel duty and other indirect tax increases in January which come out at a whopping £480 per household on average. With salaries already eroded by inflation, this is not great news for the average pocket.

Of course, not everyone (anyone?) is an average taxpayer and there will always be winners and losers. Unsurprisingly, the wealthiest will contribute the most, their tax changes exacerbated by the restriction on pension contributions, although it is one earner families with children who will be worst affected. At the other end of the scale, increasing the personal allowance to £7,475 will remove 500,000 taxpayers from the charge to tax, but mean 750,000 become higher rate (40%) taxpayers in the trade off.

The Government, of course ‘aspires’ (remember when that was a Liberal Democrat Pledge) to increase the personal income tax allowance to £10,000 in 2015–16, which would increase the number of higher rate taxpayers by a further 850,000 but take another million people out of income tax altogether. Which is probably a good thing.

The report concludes that the main winners from these reforms are non-working lone parents, being the only household type to gain on average, and low- to middle-income households without children. Amazingly, the reforms “will slightly weaken the incentive to work at all”.

Right. I’m off down the dole office.

Kraft outrageously decide to make Cadbury’s Dairy Milk smaller

2011-02-02T15:37:00.001-08:00

Remember those machines you got at Christmas which dispensed tiny Dairy Milks? They were great weren’t they? Miniature versions of big things have a certain charm that fill you with novelty glee.

However, thanks to Kraft being massive shit heads, all Cadbury Dairy Milks are going to be pointlessly small because, thanks to “economic reasons”, they’re downsizing the bar.

Honestly. You may as well buy a stupid Freddo bar.

The size of the treat is being cut because if it didn’t, prices would have to rise. In real terms, that means a 140g bar of Dairy Milk is now reduced to 120g and has two fewer squares. Bastards.

In a statement, Kraft say: “We have taken this decision because of a number of economic factors including ingredient costs. By reducing the size of our 140g bar to 120g we have been able to hold the bar at this price although we believe our confectionery still represents a very affordable treat.”

At this rate, there’ll be more chocolate on the plastic innards of a Kinder Egg.

Man faces jail for stealing imaginary objects

2011-02-02T15:28:00.001-08:00

Some crafty sod or, if you prefer, a computer hacker has admitted stealing $12 milion worth of poker chips from Zynga, which is one of those social networking online gambling site things.

Ashley Mitchell of Paignton made-off with the completely imaginary 400 billion chips and put them into his account. Then, he sold the things that don’t really exist on the black market which could have pocketed him £184,000 on top of the £53,000 he’d already made when he was arrested.

Making money on conceptual things. Brilliant. Going to prison for imaginary poker chips. Crap.

Judge Wassell said he faced a hefty jail term for these offences as, in this case, UK courts are treating these virtual goods as the same as actual, real life products. Perhaps he should be made to serve his sentence in an imaginary jail with virtual inmates ganging up on him in an assumed potting shed, with their fictional cocks in their make-believe hands.

Prosectutor Gareth Evans said that Zynga had not been deprived of goods in the same way as normal fraud because they could always issue more, but there was a knock-on effect as they could lose legitimate gamers. So, if you ask him, it is the same as stealing from the Royal Mint.

Mental.

Find the perfect present with Stupid Secret Santa

2010-12-09T13:14:00.001-08:00

If you’ve been forced to indulge in the annual festive bullshittery that is Secret Santa by the office twat, you’re probably just about ready to kill yourself. You have no idea what to buy Denise in accounts, or that paper pusher in horn-rimmed spectacles that shouldn’t be let near children. You’d rather not exchange air with them, never mind waste time, money and cognitive thinking on a present for them.

Well, worry no longer because help is at hand. I present Stupid Secret Santa - a dazzling array of cheap, shoddy, peculiar and downright offensive presents that are perfect for the person you couldn’t care less about.

it’s incredibly simple, too – choose how much money you can bare to put towards this false and senseless charade, and it’ll find you a present to suit. Don’t like it? Not pointless enough? Just search for another gift.

Thanks to Stupid Secret Santa, Andy is currently wearing tit push-ups and Mof has a bottle opener with a giant erection. Everyone’s a winner in my office, except for taste and decency. Go ahead and try it – honestly, it’d be difficult to put less thought into buying Christmas presents this year.

Battered Bernie quick to help flog watches

2010-12-09T13:08:00.001-08:00

It has to be said that this probably isn’t the classiest piece of advertising we’ve ever seen. Pint-sized Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone was unlucky enough to be mugged last month by four men who made off with his £200,000 Hublot watch. Perhaps they thought that the diminutive billionaire was a leprechaun, standing at the end of a rainbow.

As Hublot are the official watch-making partner of F1, sharp-thinking Bernie saw an opportunity as he recovered from his battering, suggesting to them that the sight of his clattered chops might make for an interesting advert. Voila…

I’m a bit confused though. What’s the message here – that the watch is so amazing that you’d be mad not to beat up an 80 year-old man in order to get your hands on one? Obviously not, because helpfully, i’m also informed that ‘Hublot condemns all forms of violence and racism.’

ALL forms of violence? Even the consensual stuff that Max Moseley gets involved with in London sex dungeons? Can someone please tell me what is going on? Because i’m on the brink of losing all of my respect for Formula 1 here.

When YouTube Adverts Just Aren’t Appropriate!!

2010-12-09T12:58:00.001-08:00

You know those little pop up ads that interrupt your viewing pleasure while offering a related offer to the video you’re watching?? this one is a little off i think!!

The best travel guide you will ever read about Australia

2010-12-09T12:52:00.001-08:00

I was talking to a relative recently who was in Dubai on business and reading a newspaper called the Khaleej Times, when a promotional booklet about Australia fell out, One page in particular tickled him.

“I think it must have been written by a disgruntled Kiwi. Perhaps you could find the author and thank him for amusing me. Needless to say I have emailed this to every Aussie I know.”

If you want a scant yet satisfying flavour of Australia’s major cities, coupled with a constant nagging reminder of the country’s convict past, this is the only travel guide we recommend.

You can see the full page here.

Co-op Customer gets busted, then overcharged

2010-11-11T05:20:00.001-08:00

A Co-op in Jersey has overcharged a customer in the most unusual way. Basically, what’s happened is that a shopper was overcharged when buying some fruit and veg thanks to the sales assistant’s breasts. A customer at the branch voiced her concerns after she was charged almost £2 for a pepper that should have cost 79p.

When a supervisor investigated, and the customer got all of her fruit and veg reweighed (sorry, this all sounds like puns now), it transpired that she’d been overcharged to the tune of nearly £5.

And it was the cashier’s jugs – which had been resting on the scales as she was weighing the goods – which caused the problem. This means that loads of customers may have paid too much for their produce.

Jim Hopley, chief executive of Channel Islands Co-operative, presumably trying to keep a straight face, said that it was the result of a low-slung chair as opposed to a gigantic pair of whappers.

“We have now adjusted the chair. We also checked the till receipt to see if anyone else had been overcharged.”

Good thing it wasn’t Lolo Ferrari or it could have been thousands of pounds over the odds. And no, we’re not suggesting that a dead actress from the adult entertainment industry should be propped up behind a till and made to work.

The assistant concerned is apparently “mortified” by the incident, he said, and is currently receiving support from the Co-op’s HR department.

SUPPORT LIKE A GOOD BRA! Geddit?! Oh, piss off.

WTF IS DIS REAL? Passenger changes face on board flight

2010-11-05T10:45:00.001-07:00

“Information was received from Air Canada Corporate Security regarding a possible imposter on a flight originating from Hong Kong,” the alert says. “The passenger in question was observed at the beginning of the flight to be an elderly Caucasian male who appeared to have young looking hands. During the flight the subject attended the washroom and emerged an Asian looking male that appeared to be in his early 20s.”
“The subject initially claimed to be in possession of one bag; however, flight crew approached the BSOs with two additional pieces of luggage which were believed to belong to the subject. One bag contained the subject’s personal clothing items while the second contained a pair of gloves. The third contained a ‘disguise kit’ which consisted of a silicone type head and neck mask of an elderly Caucasian male, a brown leather cap, glasses and a thin brown cardigan.”

What Sony’s VAT cashback promotion gives with one hand…

2010-11-05T07:37:00.001-07:00

Come on everybody, let’s give a big ol’ cheer for Sony! HOORAY!

Yes! Visit your local Sony Centre and add some extra sparkle this Christmas, by claiming the VAT back on a wide range of technology from Sony! And it’s not just Sony – other high street stores including John Lewis and Argos are also part of this cashback-style offer! Merry Christmas everybody-

Yesterday John Lewis were selling:

37EX403U @£450 (£382 when including VAT back)
40EX403U @ £480 (£408 when including VAT back)

However today the prices have rocketed to:

37EX403U @ £522 (£444 when including VAT back)
40EX403U @ £584 (£497 when including VAT back)

Oh, i might also mention the prices of several Sony products have been increased to offset the promotion, meaning the VAT cashback offer isn’t anywhere near the deal the shiny marketing would have you believe. Merry Christmas.

Islington Council supports parking for the follically challenged

2010-10-30T16:16:00.001-07:00

Slapheads absolutely should be allowed to park closer to the shops – that way they spend less time in public offending others with their ugly bald heads. So well done to Islington Council for taking the initiative and seeing through the excuses of so-called “blue-badge” holders. The fact is disabled people don’t need parking spaces – if they really were disabled, how could they even drive in the first place?

Possibly the worst thing you will ever, ever see

2010-10-30T06:15:00.001-07:00

WARNING: The following video clip may cause you to start feverishly detesting the people in it, the iPhone, Apple, and perhaps even life itself.

We just had to sit through this a bit earlier so there’s no reason why you lot shouldn’t have to endure it as well. Share the pain and all that. It’s borne out of Halloween and in particular, Americans’ mania for dressing up for the occasion, seemingly dressing up as anything just for the hell of it.

So there’s this complete bell end then, and he’s got an iPhone costume on. But there’s more – it’s got an actual LCD screen and he’s hooked it up to his own iPhone so it looks as though the costume is a fully operational iPhone.

But it isn’t really. It’s just some smug wanker and his mate prancing about like a couple of absolute tits. Fucking despicable.

The robots are coming! The oddly attractive Japanese robots are coming!

2010-10-29T05:00:00.001-07:00

Looks as though humanity as we know it could almost be over, at least if this incredible new Japanese robot footage is anything to go by. It took us at least a minute to figure out which one of the pair was the droid in this footage.

The potential uses for something like this are limitless – company for lonely old people, a faithful re-creation of a dead relative, erm, other stuff. Obviously, as keen-eyed consumers, we’re asking the questions ‘When?’ and ‘How much?’ but it could be a while before you can pick one of these up off the shelf in Comet.

Obviously it won’t be long before they completely overthrow mankind itself and when the time comes, I will welcome our new creepy android overlords…

Its The End Of The World As We Know It

Sadly it’s official – Farmville addiction can kill

2010-10-29T04:36:00.001-07:00

A deeply depressing story from the Florida Times-Union to kick off your Friday. The day will only get better after this.

A 22-year old mother in Jacksonville has pleaded guilty to second-degree murder after shaking her baby to death. Why did the mother kill her child? Because the three month-old baby boy interrupted her game of Farmville on Facebook.

So angry was the mother by being interrupted, that she picked up her baby and shook him violently- “the baby may have hit his head during the shaking”.

Farmville – listed by TIME magazine as an invention worse than the Hindenburg – has previously seen politicians sacked for their alleged addiction to the game, which is one of several earning creators Zynga over a million dollars a day in revenue.

Halloween brings out the pervy pumpkin enthusiasts

2010-10-29T04:31:00.001-07:00

Some people have pumpkin carving down to a fine art, making ones that look like they’re puking or have the face of Predator. However, there’s some of you who will want something a bit dirtier around Halloween.

In that event, you should buy a Pornkins set, available from the Pornkins website, which is a set of stencils, knives, an instruction sheet, a scoop and a (fnarr fnarr) poker tool. It’s on sale for $20, and obviously, it’s too close to Halloween to get one in time for this year, but definitely worth sullying the minds of the children who live on your street next year

More reasons?!?!

2010-09-10T12:53:00.001-07:00

Perhaps Morrisons are taking advantage of all the empty shops in Britain as they’ve announced that they are to open a number of convenience stores and, in addition to that, are looking to start selling their groceries online.

Britain’s fourth biggest grocer has decided to go for the jugular as they announced that they’re currently getting an extra 800,00 bodies through their doors every week. This is despite the fact they’ve got some of the worst adverts on television. The store said it would begin to trial its first convenience stores, which presumably will be like Tesco Extra Express shops, in 2011.

New chief executive Dalton Philips told Sky: “Today we are outlining plans to build on our strengths and generate profitable growth. I am determined to make Morrisons better than ever.”

Start by running a mop around some of your stores. Some of them are absolutely minging. Not mentioning any in particular!!

Fatter Free

2010-09-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Given the choice between educating their lardy kids in the ways of healthy eating and exercise, or a way to keep serving up orange food in breadcrumbs that’ll kill the children a little slower, parents will invariably choose the path of least resistance. Philipsrecognised this determined apathy, and so have created the AirFryer.

It looks like a deep fat fryer, until you open the lid and find there’s no oil inside. In fact you only need to add a spoonful of oil before cooking; hot air is then circulated around a grill component at high speed, cooking burgers and chicken nuggets in around nine minutes. The result is food that contains up to 80% less fat.

Philips are quoted as saying they hope to solve the problem of UK’s fat-laden diet, but since it’s still heavily processed food you’re likely to pile into it, it doesn’t really address the underlying issue. How much will it cost to have this lard-busting piece of plastic in your kitchen? Between £120 and £200.

The Milky Bars Are On Me!!!

2010-08-05T10:28:00.001-07:00

Are you an adult who feels compelled to dress up as the Milky Bar Kid? If you are, then your perverse and twisted little hobby has suddenly been legitimised as Nestle are looking for a ‘kidult’ to become the face of their new ads.

Here’s a handful of examples of the sick freakery they’re looking for, and in an idea that’s as flimsy as a lettuce made from tissue paper, they want you, the idiot public, to dress up as the Milky Bar Kid and upload videos of yourself roaring “The Milky Bars are on me” or whatever. You know, instead of them coming up with an advert themselves.Alternatively, you could dress up as yourself and upload a video of yourself roaring “Screw you Nestle!” There probably isn’t anything in the rules that says you can’t.

It doesn't have to be Taxing?!?!

2010-07-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

UK tax law is to be simplified to cut the sheer headfuckery that is endured by businesses George Osborne has said. I’m sure you’re aware that this wasn’t a direct quote. The chancellor is setting up an Office for Tax Simplification to streamline the 11,000 page tax code according to the BBC.

Georgie Boy reckons that Britain has “one of the most complex and opaque tax codes in the world” and that he wants a “permanent body to push against the forces of complication.”

Announcing this new body, Osborne said his “dream” was “that people might actually understand the tax laws which with they actually being asked to comply with”. What a boring shit. My dreams usually involve go-go dancers, exploding spaceships and robots that can play Link Wray songs.

The new body has been given the initial task of streamlining 400 tax reliefs, allowances and exemptions and simplifying the tax system for small businesses, including a simpler alternative to the IR35 code. In the case of the latter, this simplification is designed to help sole traders and freelancers.

All this looking at tax and making it more palatable won’t change tax credits. Osborne sees that as part of the benefits system, so for the time being at least, they’ll be left alone.

If you’re wondering who is going to head this up, then it is a chap who is a former Tory MP and Treasury minister called Michael Jack along with John Whiting, formerly of PricewaterhouseCoopers who is tax director at the Chartered Institute of Taxation. He’ll be the director. Neither will be paid, but they may well become Lords no doubt (legal note: This is me trying to be satirical as opposed to implying that the government – with their really ace lawyers – are crooked in any way).

In a speech, Treasury minister David Gauke said: “The tax system created by the previous government was overly complex and has made the tax affairs of millions of families and businesses across the UK extremely complicated. We need to reduce the complexities in our tax system and the coalition is committed to delivering that goal. The Office for Tax Simplification will provide important advice that will help inform us in making the right reforms to the tax system that will help to pave the way to bringing more international business to the UK, which will give our economy the boost it so urgently needs in the years ahead.”

Aren't you instilled with such confidence yet??? you gotta love the Con-Dem coalition!

The New Way of Looking Like a Tit Machine

2010-07-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

Microsoft have unveiled the price tag for their super-terrific new motion-sensor gaming thingamajig that they’re calling Kinect. The thingamajig, that will allow you to control Xbox games games just by moving your body around as if you’re Bez from the Happy Mondays, should be launched by the end of the year.

If you want one, you should probably start saving up now because (brace yourselves) it’s going to set you back £129.99. Yes, that’s right, more or less what you’ll pay for an entry-level console for the added ability to play some as-yet-unmade games in a different kind of way, probably while making yourself look like a bit of a tit and incurring a hernia into the process.

That okay with you all? Yeah, thought so.

Teenager swaps rubbish mobile phone for Porsche

2010-07-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

A while ago, some smart-ass managed to swap a singular red paperclip for a house. His story was a fun one, if slightly disingenuous because it was the media coverage of said story that enabled so many cool trades.

However, some clever little git who goes by the name of Steven Ortiz, didn’t have the media coverage and managed to swap (eventually), a really crappy old mobile phone for a Porsche.

The 17-year old boy used Craigslist to trade an old phone (the kind you’d bin) for an iPod Touch. He then traded that for a dirt bike… then some more dirt bikes… eventually hitting a run that included a MacBook Pro and a 1987 Toyota 4Runner.After a few more swaps, he bagged a ‘75 Ford Bronco (which is considered a collectible in some circles) which saw him being offered a Porsche Boxster.The things he turned down were just as mental. Someone offered him a locksmith business!

Read the full tale at Neatorama then curse the talented little haggling shit. It’s only a matter of time before Dave Gorman writes a book about this.

Vagina Dentata in the real world: The anti-rape condom with teeth

2010-06-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Vagina dentata, Latin for a vagina with teeth, has been in folklore for hundreds of years. Most recently, it appeared in the horror flick, ‘Teeth’.

Now, a South African doctor has unveiled a product to almost bring the tale to life in an attempt to stop rape. The product is called Rape-aXe and effectively, it is a condom that will bite a rapist’s dick off.

The product is “a device which latches itself to the skin of the attacker, causing immense discomfort, allowing the victim to escape”. The official press release continues: “The attacker is ‘branded’ a rapist! Since the attacker will need medical assistance, there is no escaping arrest since medical staff will alert the authorities.”

Apparently, the condom clasps itself to the attacker, leaving him unable to piss or walk. If he tries to remove it, it will grip even tighter. The latex sheath contains razor-sharp barbs and once they’ve sunk into a rapist’s dick, he’ll need surgery to remove it.

30,000 Rape-aXe condoms have been handed out for free in South African cities this week and once this trial ends, they’ll retail at $1.50 each.

This is a huge problem in South Africa with one report stating that 28 per cent of men surveyed had raped a woman or girl, with one in 20 saying they had raped in the past year. This sheath will not only attempt to make these fuckers think twice about doing it, but importantly, it will help to prevent the rape victim contracting HIV.

Can I have a porno and chips please!!

2010-06-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

The van at the centre of the investigation. Classy.

It’s the kind of story that would bring a tear to the eye of Sir Alan Sugar – a tale of classic British entrepreneurial spirit being cut away at the knee by needless red tape and regulation.

Two men have been arrested after they allegedly gave away free porn DVDs from their burger van. Customers were offered a free bongo film with their burgers if they spent more than £5 at the van, which was operating out of a garden in Driffield, East Yorkshire.To help customers make the £5 minimum purchase required to trigger the free porn giveaway, beer was also sold from the van, in spite of the fact that neither of the arrested men had a licence for selling alcohol or hot food.

Police licensing officer PC Carolyn Grundy said: “Porn was being played on a TV inside the caravan when we arrived on Saturday night. It is unbelievable customers were being offered porn DVDs with their beer and burgers at an outlet that did not even have the necessary licences. The operation went well and we are now looking at the evidence to see what offences have been committed.”

We say… is it any wonder Britain is in the state that it’s in when a couple of enterprising young chaps can’t set up a caravan in a garden and incentivise new customers with an offer that they’ll find hard to resist?

Screw you UK PLC, screw you!

Clichés by the coffinload

2010-06-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

I was wrong about the blogs to some extent. Craig Murray already has a piece up on the 300 deaths, noting: "We immediately have David Cameron and Liam Fox spewing out the standard propaganda about the occupation of Afghanistan making the world a safer place. This is quite simply a ludicrous proposition, and one to which the security, military and diplomatic establishments do not subscribe."

The BBC refers to this as a "tragic milestone" but what is quite stunning in this intensely political event (and it is a political rather than a military milestone) is the response of Shallow Dave. He is saying that Britain must "keep asking why" its troops are in Afghanistan. That is according to a report in The Times, with the Cleggeron leader leading the tributes to the "sacrifice" made by the 300 British service personnel who have died since operations in Afghanistan began in October 2001.

Says Dave: "It is desperately sad news: another family with such grief and pain and loss. Of course the 300th death is no more or less tragic than the 299 that came before. But it is a moment, I think, for the whole country to reflect on the incredible service and sacrifice and dedication that our Armed Services give on our behalf."

Then Dave tells us: "We are paying a high price for keeping our country safe, for making our world a safer place, and we should keep asking why we are there and how long we must be there."

To that, the man adds: "The truth is that we are there because the Afghans are not yet ready to keep their own country safe and to keep terrorists and terrorist training camps out of their country. That's why we have to be there. But as soon as they are able to take care and take security for their own country, that is when we can leave."

So the clichés are trotted out, carefully honed and polished, kept nicely chilled ready to trot out for such occasions, as meaningless now as they day they were crafted by the 16th PR Battalion of the 31st Right Wing Corps of Spinners – now officially special advisors to the Cleggerons, complete with official salaries and luncheon vouchers.

What is so offensive about all this, of course – apart from the total artificiality of the occasion - is that we have a politician telling us to ask a question: "why are our troops in Afghanistan?" Shallow hasn't quite got the hang of this politics business. We ask the questions, he gives us the answers – except, of course, he doesn't.

Even Con Coughlin thinks "it's not really good enough" for Cameron to say this. "One of the biggest disadvantages that has affected this campaign," he writes, "is the failure of our governing classes to provide clear and effective leadership, and to explain precisely why we have upwards of 10,000 British troops locked in mortal combat with the Taleban."

And, as always, in our desperately cynical age, whenever a politician starts using the word "truth", one learns to check the family silver and the contents of our wallets, certain in the knowledge that the man (or even woman) is up to no good.

The "truth" on this occasion is almost certainly nowhere near what Shallow Dave claims it to be. "We" – i.e., nearly 10,000 very expensive military personnel, several hundred officials and an unknown number of highly-paid contractors – are there because Dave hasn't yet worked out a mechanism for getting them out, and it is probably too early for him to try.

So, for the time being, young men – and the occasional woman – must be slaughtered, to absolutely no effect, to achieve nothing, a process which must continue until such time as it becomes politically convenient for the British contingent to depart. Then it will be up sticks, "job well done, chaps" and the charade of turning defeat into victory starts all over again.

With that the case, though, the very least the political classes could do is to avoid insulting our (collective) intelligence. We really do not need Liam Fox telling us that: "Our armed forces are the best in the world." Even if they were, which is doubtful, what does that mean? Best at what?

He tells us they are "operating daily in the most dangerous and demanding conditions". You don't say! "Some have made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure this essential mission succeeds," he says. Nah. Very few who look upon the prospect of their own deaths regard it as a "sacrifice" – human motivations are much more complex than that.

But then we get the money quote: "My thoughts and those of the nation's are with the families and friends of all those servicemen and women who have fallen but our resolve and determination to see the mission through remains steadfast."

No they are not. The thoughts of the nation are largely with the World Cup, with Wimbledon and with making a living – and keeping the shysters from the government and the other nobs off your back.

But it is always remarkable to hear from the politicians and generals, well clear of the front line and the dangers attendant therein, how our "resolve and determination" must remain "steadfast." So, from the rear, as they pocket their generous salaries and expenses, they say: "stand fast". That is so easy when you are not personally at risk.

Meanwhile, three Australian soldiers and one American service member were killed today in a helicopter crash in southern Afghanistan. Including the crash, at least 57 international troops, including 35 Americans, have died so far this month, a rate that could make June among the deadliest for US and other international forces in the nearly nine-year war. So far, the deadliest for the international force was July 2009 when 75 troops, including 44 Americans, were killed.

But hey! As long as the rest remain "steadfast" and act with "resolve and determination" - until the politicians pull the plug that is - everything in the garden is rosy. But one can't help but feel that if these young men and women are to spread their brains over the Afghan terrain, they deserve something better than second-hand clichés.

Twins Ready To Topple!

2009-11-04T02:28:00.000-08:00

Right, own up. Who is voting for John & Edward? Who are you? Who is stupid/tone deaf/humourless enough to keep them in this TALENT show?

Gruesome twosome John & Edward are car crash telly. Which amounts to a certain amount of TV gold - I am aware of this fact.

But I would never actually pick up my phone, spend my hard-earned cash and vote for them. I have my pride.

And I'm willing to bet that all of you who think it's funny to keep the poor deluded boys in the competition will NOT be rushing out to buy their Christmas single. Well unless it's for someone you don't like very much.

The British public will boost them up, only to knock them right down again as soon as they get close to the top.
They will keep them in week after week before finally saying, when the prize is just within reach: "Only kidding, you're rubbish!" and voting them off. I guarantee it.

But I don't feel sorry for them. They'll be ok. They'll get their own Jedward TV show. And then you'll all be sorry.

They absolutely slaughtered Queen's We Will Rock You. They use too much hair gel. They can't sing. Or dance. And the matching outfits will only get them so many brownie points.

Meanwhile, poor Rachel (one of the few who can actually sing) was sacrificed at the altar of the terrible twins.

What else do they need to do to convince you to put your vote to better use? I don't understand, and at the risk of sounding like a nazi supporter (That's for you Simon), i'll take Danyl over those numbskulls anyday - they're even starting to look guilty for still being in the competition - Do a John Sargeant BOYS!! and walk away while you still have some dignity and pride in tact.

All you secret voters out there, come forward now and explain yourselves. It's the least you can do...

High School Environment - Oh Please!

2009-08-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

I hope its message resonates with its target audience. I really do. But why do I want to crawl up into a ball and weep tears of despair after listening to the new song for Disney's Project Green (above)?

Admittedly, the "tween pop" genre is not one that I follow closely, but I know enough to recognise that Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are about as big as it gets at the moment, particularly in the US. So when they come together with their fellow Disneyites, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, to record a song urging us all to do our bit for the environment you could be forgiven for expecting their collective might to produce some much-needed magic (although not, perhaps, the sort that got Mickey Mouse into trouble in Fantasia).

Well, kazaam! Just a few days after its release, Send It On is already troubling the top spot on the iTunes download chart in the US. Therefore, the first hurdle of reaching hundreds of thousands of tweenagers has already been cleared effortlessly. You wouldn't really expect anything else with Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers onboard.

So now let's turn to the song's message. This is where the problems begin. Where is the message, exactly? Here's a (mercifully) quick snip of the lyrics…

Just smile and the world will smile along with you
That small acts of love
Then the one will become two
If we take the chances
To change circumstances
Imagine all that we could do
If we…

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another

It's all very "Yes, We Can", and Barack Obama's election more than proves that messages of positive empowerment do work. But I fail to see how anyone listening to this will join the dots and realise that these lyrics about the power of collectivism are meant to inspire us all to get up and tackle the many environmental challenges we now face. In fact, there are no references at all to the environment to be found within the song.

In the name of research, I steeled myself and sat down and watched the video from start to end in search of these elusive environmental references. Alas, all I could find was a sofa made of, what looks like, recycled denim that all the singers sit themselves down on towards the end of the video in what appears to be some kind of subliminal reference to the opening credits of Friends.

But maybe I've invested a little too much hope in the starlets created so skillfully by the house they call "The Mouse". For a little dose of the smelling salts, let's reverse up a year and recall Miley Cyrus's last lyrical expedition into environmentalism.

Here's a sample of "Wake up America", taken from her 2008 album Breakout …

Everything I read
Is 'global warming', 'going green'
I don't know what all this means
But it seems to be saying
Wake up America

That's a little bit more like it, but it hardly fills you with confidence that it will be the next generation – all those currently nodding their heads to Miley Cyrus on their iPods – who will be the ones to lift us all out of this giant hole we managed to dig for ourselves.

But let's not give up on the kids quite yet. As part of Project Green, Disney executives have pledged to allow children to decide how the company should spend $1m on environmental projects.

What are friends?

2009-05-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

A little meditative thought, going over old poems of mine. Powerful stuff to face old writing. All sorts of things become clear upon reflection.

One thing, for example, that got me was how black and white the world once seemed. Was it that way for you long ago? Here's a question to frame it for you: What is a friend?

I've been blessed with many in my life. One who is my brother. One who may not be my brother by blood - but is my brother nevertheless. One a mentor. One practically a father. One my spiritual master. Three who called themselves my mam. Those I've worked with through some hard times, and those who work to try and build something special with me, with little resources, and little personal gain.

And then there is the instance of the one I turned on for a break of trust. It still can shock me the depth of anger I felt at the perceived betrayal. Since then I've actually let a few people walk all over me, my response to that situation bothered me. People say I'm now too trusting. It's a compliment... I think :)

Well according to dictionary.com a friend is:

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement.
Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

If I recall correctly, as a child your definition of a friend is very black and white: Someone you play with. And as a teenager it gets a bit more complex - A soul you can trust. A heart that accepts you. A person you care for. A fist that will fight for you. Two feet that will stand beside you when things get hairy.

But as an adult we muddy our definition of the word friend. It becomes elastic to include acquaintances. People who we simply share interests but may not care for in the least. Maybe this is a good thing. We grow tolerant. Our hearts less exclusive. Maybe its the acknowledgment that life is a whole lot easier if we lay down our walls and be okay with one another.

Maybe its an acknowledgment that we had it right when we were children - simply now a friend is someone you share a drink with and maybe a joke.

I'd like to believe that, but...

A part of me holds that teenager's definition a little too dear - for example, it pisses me off how some throw around the word friend and then walk away the first time someone needs help.

That same part wants to revolt at how we market our 1,251 friends on My Space or look at our link ranks on Technorati... speaking of which... if you link to me.. are you my friend? If you don't... what does that say?

Well, then again, sometimes a link is just a link. A comment is just a comment. And it's expressions of reaching out that counts. One way, or another.

Only Donald & Oprah Can Save Us Now!!

2009-05-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump is a grade one buffoon. I'm presuming he is not going to sue me for saying as much because he surely knows I'd win on "fair comment." I'd cite the dead grey squirrel he wears draped across his forehead and that funny mincing pink mouth which makes him look like Paris Hilton's vainer elder sister; I'd point out that compared with Sir Alan Sugar he's an absolutely rubbish Apprentice boss; and as exhibit A, I'd cite the unbelievable crapness of his abysmal new self help book Think Like A Champion, which serves up warmed over non-aphorisms like "I see no value whatsoever in believing ignorance to be an attribute. It isn't," as if they're startling and insightful and worth paying 20 bucks for.

Donald and Melanie Trump

Today, however, I am brimming with admiration for the man. His decision to sue a journalist for having claimed he is a mere millionaire when in fact - at least so far as Trump claims - he is a billionaire is an example to us all. I'm not saying I want him to win necessarily, but I do applaud the principle. Now more than ever we need stinking rich people to go on shouting just how disgustingly, revoltingly, stinking rich they are.

I felt a similar frisson of joy when Oprah Winfrey boasted the other day about how nice it was to fly around in her private jet - and for just the same reason. As a firm believer in the trickle down effect, I know that the only way we're really going to get the world economy going again is if the super-rich start spending again like there's no tomorrow. We need their liquidity. What's more, we need their example. I'm sick to the craw of reading lifestyle feature articles claiming how chic it is to be frugal, how staying at home is the new shopping, and saving is the new spending. They're just making things worse.

So hats off to Trump for being such a vulgar, plutocratic show off. Hatsoff to Oprah too. And hats off to that splendid fellow, whoever he was, who broke classic car auction records by blowing £8 milllion on that glorious 1957 Ferrari 250. We need these people for they remind us of perhaps the single most important fact in the world right now: Capitalism is not dead, merely experiencing a temporary and naturally self-correcting blip.

Life - Full of dissapointments?

2009-05-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

I dont know where to begin with this one - basically the title says it all, and as we go through life we realise people, jobs, ambitions, lifestyle, partners and our own achievments at some time or another are a big let down.

We all aim big and try to do the best we can, but for some it seems like no matter what they do, failure is always following. We all go through bad times, no better or worse than anyone else, but everyone is different as to how they percieve and deal with it. I have friends whose problems seem quite trivial in the grand scheme of things or even if i've compared them to some of the things that i have personally went through, i sometimes cringe at the nievity of them, but as i said, its perception, and someones mountain is someone elses molehill, and regardless of my opinion, i will be there for anyone who asked for my help or advice, even if i know they're not going to take it.

I have a new theory on this. Almost 90% (thats without exaggerating) of the time we bring these burdens and misfortune on ourselves. How many times have you given advice to someone who hasn't listened and exactly what you predict actually happens. I'm sure all people know things aren't going to work out the way they want, no matter how much they hope and pray for them to happen. But we keep doing it. When are we going to realise that there isn't enough time to make every mistake for ourselves and actually listen to the people who are only trying to help, simply because they can see something that we're too close to either be able or want to see.

I think there is a little bit too much hope in the world, and not enough positive actions that would lead to a positive result, most would like to just bury their head in the sands rather than deal with life altering decisions, and hope that things will work out. Well screw that for a laugh, i make things happen, i always have. Success and failure come hand in hand, and wherever one is, the possibility for the other to present itself lingers around, and sometimes, infact a lot of the time, there is not a damned thing that can be done about it no matter how hard we try.

I love failure, i wouldn't be who i am without it, i wouldn't have had the success i've seen in the past without learning from it - you have to pass failure on the journey to success, even if sometimes the path leads back to dissapointment. I'm getting back on my feet again, and getting on with it, and only really confide and whinge to one person about it. I keep trying though.... because i know more than anyone, true failure is when you stop trying. I learned that lesson from my father, a man i used to love and respect so much... he stopped trying, and now he's an alcoholic, with three suicide attempts under his belt - even though i pity him, i feel contempt rather than love for him, because out of all the people i've ever met, i never thought it would be him that gave up on life.

I've had a pretty bad two or three years a while back, and i'm only now getting back on my feet, yeh i've lost a hell of a lot in a short space of time, more than some people lose in a lifetime, but thats only because i did more than most people achieve in a lifetime - i think there is only one thing worse than having something and losing it - and thats never having it in the first place. I've had money, a great lifestyle, travelled every continent in the world, all by the time i was 23. I've always set my sights high, and anyone who knows me knew i wouldn't be down long.I realise now that everything i lost was material and a lot of it i took for granted.... a mistake i wont make again.

Work Hard, Play Harder, and spend whatever you have while you have it, because its not going with you at the end of all things. Help anyone you can, speak to people you have never spoke to, and try everything at least once before you cast judgement on it. The most natural part of life is death, and its the one thing none of us can get away from, its hunting us from the day we are born, its relentless and its biggest ally is time, and they both work as hard as each other to catch you up - and believe me they will. So its time to start living and realise what you can do in life for other people, not just what you can get from them.

I commit my time in other people, because i have belief in them, That's the true nature of wealth - its my legacy and its my way to cheat death - i will be remembered by the good deeds i did, not the good things i had.

And thats all folks.... be great to each other...

A Good Philosophy!!

2009-05-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a Third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and left, ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having it off with his wife.

I love it when we do what we do!!

2009-05-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

I do think this is worth repeating. I read it in a dear dr page of one of nations great tabloids today. It sounds sooooooo familiar. This is what it read verbatim:

"I'm a successful, highly motivated guy, confident, at ease with my sexuality and blessed with wonderful friends. Yet when it comes to relationships, I'm a total doormat, inwardly screaming from abandonment and loneliness. It took a marriage for me to realise I was gay. Since then, it has been a woeful litany of short-term happiness. There was a wonderful 18 months, during which I financed my boyfriend's diploma course – and wrote most of his essays – before he ditched me. Two years with a seemingly sound guy ended in his sudden suicide. Six years later, I'm struggling to meet the needs of his elderly and demanding parents – his final letter asked me to take care of them. Two years with another Mr Wonderful, getting him through a nervous breakdown, ended when he dumped me – by phone. All my close friends are happily settled and I'm facing a nightmare summer of civil-partnership ceremonies. There's loads to mourn, as you can see, and I'm starting to lose sight of the funny, happy, glass-half-full, heart-on-his-sleeve guy who used to be me. It would be a tragedy if I became bitter and twisted, but I feel such a sad bastard and a failure. Please help. "

It's odd, isn't it, how we can describe ourselves and our relationships with such clarity, yet fail to see the patterns we have drawn? It's as if you've put all the dots in place, but can't join them up to see the full picture.

So, perhaps it might help if I join up a few. What seems perfectly clear is that our inner and outer selves sometimes don't match. It's as if we're a stranger to ourselves. The string of adjectives this guy uses to describe himself – "successful, confident, funny, happy, glass-half-full" – are so far from the people we choose as intimates or friends. I, probably like so many others, am guilty of doing the same thing this guy has done - not only in relationships, but also in friendships.

I once asked a therapist to define soul mates. She said: "It's two people who recognise the damage in each other." So much for romance – but what she was actually saying is that we are attracted to fragilities in other people that we know, often at an unconscious level, we share ourselves. If I was really at ease, I wouldn't need to go around rescuing people who are insecure, anxious and inclined to melancholia. I wouldn't need to rescue people at all. So, why do it? Well, when we don't like our own fragilities, we deny them by painting ourselves as the opposite. We literally deny who we are. It's called the false self.

To strengthen the false self and protect the fragile inner self, we may become compulsive helpers and people-pleasers – anything to take the focus off ourselves and put it on other people. We promote ourselves as Mr or Mrs Wonderful. People don't dare criticise or question us because of all the good work we do. I am not suggesting this is conscious, but I also think that, as with most PR exercises, there's an implicit lack of honesty. If we are always focused on other people's weaknesses and difficulties, it means we don't have to look at our own. By deflecting attention onto others – "Poor them, look what I do for them" – we stop people seeing us as we are. If we can make people focus on what we do, not what we are, we distract them from the real picture.

Now, all those apparently vulnerable souls who dumped this guy despite all the great things he did for them – paying for their education and other financial help with things, writing their essays, seeing them through a nervous breakdown etc. I imagine they get fed up with being in the shadow of a conquering hero.

No matter how great a job we do at constructing a false self, people eventually recognise an inherent lie. On top of that (over a period of time), they start to resent their rescuer, or the person that tried to help them the most. Nobody enjoys being beholden to another person, particularly in a romantic relationship let alone a platonic relationship. Intimacy is the admission of human frailties on both sides. It is an equal-vulnerabilities policy. Once you start rescuing people, you disrupt the balance of power. A relationship/friendship may work for a while, or somebody may be so vulnerable that they need help, but once they are strong enough, the rescuer to them, looks like the oppressor.

If you want a successful relationship/friendship, you need to start with yourself. I suspect you're so good at denial, you may find this hard. However, the extreme wake-up call of a marriage that the guy this blog is about answered, only to discover he is actually gay, might tell you something about the extent of denial that our humanity is capable of.

A course of tough-talking therapy would be a good start. we all need to chip away at that false self. It makes intimacy fantastically difficult because it forms a hard, shiny barrier (like the hard, shiny words – "highly motivated, confident" –we use to describe ourself) so people can't reach us. We all need to be needed. None of us likes being needy.

Try to remember that when you are next confronted with the possibility of intimacy ...or even friendship. , it could save you a lot of time, money and uneccesary pain.

I'm a poet and didn't know it...

2009-05-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

The World We Live

In the world we live, time goes fast
Too short ‘til the future, too long is the past
With comings and goings, who knows where we are?
So near is it over, it’s never too far.

In the world we live, people are strange,
With good versus evil, and we’re all in that range.
We’re nasty, we’re nice, all rolled into one,
Sometimes regretting the things that we’ve done.

In the world we live, full of anger and war,
With hatred, and difference, the cause of it all.
Who’s right? Who’s wrong?, it seems like a game,
I wish that god would make us the same.

In the world we live, there’s pollution everywhere,
Our children and loved ones breathe in toxic air.
So we start up our engines, and light up the sky,
We’re reckless and careless to let it go by.

In the world we live, there’s work, not much play,
We exist in a rat race, queuing and waiting every day.
No time to stop, and look at the splendour,
At laughter, and sunshine, or things that are tender.

The time has now come, to look at your face,
To stop, take a moment, and cherish our place.

Do someone a favour; make somebody smile,
Treasure the difference - don’t stand in a file.

Love someone special, have something to give,
Before it’s too late, in this world where we live…..